Prompt Summary: an experimental song that's 35 seconds or less about the most exciting thing Andrew did in the past year, accompanied by instruments no one would be able to recognize
It's the end of a year, so let's take a moment to reflect on it. Mine was stressful, how about yours?
Okay, moment over. Let's check in on Andrew, with this awkward freestyle from 2005, "The Most Exciting Thing I Did in the Past Year Freestyle."
Your first impression may be, "Was this produced by a nine-year-old?". Everything about the track screams "amateur," which was most definitely the intention here. The backing instrumentals are discordant. (I think I hear claves?) The rap delivery is very drunk-guy-at-an-open-mic-thing. And the narrative is…implausible.* But then, so are most narratives in Songs to Wear Pants To.
Andrew recorded a handful of freestyle raps over the course of Songs to Wear Pants To. He performs most of them in this awkward, nervous style. By definition, the lyrics are entirely improvised. So you can safely expect them to end up in a very different place than where they started.
"Word to your whole family!" Happy New Year, folks. Let's all do better in 2023.
"15984 BPM" Original Post Date: October 2, 2008 Runtime: 2:58 Genres: Spoken Word/Electronic Compilation Album:Sweat Pants
Prompt Summary: a song that's faster than any song that's come before it, with snails as a possible topic
I would hardly call this track a song. It's certainly about a piece of music. And technically, there's music playing for most of it. It's just…you can't really tell. Because it's too fast for the human brain to comprehend.
Yes, indeed, as the prompt requested, Andrew tried to write a song that breaks the record for "BPMs," otherwise known as beats per minute, otherwise known as tempo. The end result doesn't exactly do that, but Andrew did write a song—an electronic song, specifically—then loop it, and then play back the loop for us at a whopping 15,984 BPM. And yes, it does sound like a tinny droning. Is that music? You decide!
Instead of centering around a very fast song, this track centers around the tempo at which Andrew plays back his new loop* in real time. He starts it out at that very specific, large number—was the previous tempo record 15,983 BPM? Or is there some significance to the sum of 999×16?—and then, over the course of almost three minutes, slows it down gradually. As you can imagine, it takes most of the track to get from that astronomical number down to a tempo at which it actually has any discernible rhythm, let alone melody, which is at roughly the original tempo's square root. You'll start to notice a bass beat around the two-minute mark; you'll hear a more complete song around fifteen seconds later.
But it's not just a waiting game. (And that's a good thing because for most of the slowdown, it is impossible to make out any differences, other than in pitch.) Throughout the process, Andrew adlibs about…random things. Including, as suggested by the prompt, snails. I think he also mentions something about having three ears? I dunno.
What carries this track are two things: 1) the suspense as you wait to hear what the loop actually sounds like, and 2) Andrew's meandering and/or nonsense spoken-word performance. So, as your 2022 winds down, and you reflect on the year that was, take three minutes to listen to all of the BPMs and some ramblings from a slightly bored-sounding sound engineer; you won't be disappointed.
*This track is a bit of a shame because I do like the loop he created for it. It's kinda chiptuney. Unfortunately, you can't really make any of it out for more than thirty seconds or so. Oh, and if this weren't a loop, he'd have to have written a song that's, like, an hour long in order to get it to last this whole track. (If anyone does the math on this, please let me know in the comments!)
"THIS GIRL" Original Post Date: August 15, 2005 Runtime: 0:27 Genres: Pop/Rock Compilation Album:Pink Pants
Prompt Summary: a song that will help someone express their feelings for "this girl" ; requester lists three physical attributes to include, and that's it
Ah, the male gaze: creepy, often unwanted, and yet somehow still socially acceptable. With that in mind, I present "This Girl," the theme song of the male gaze.
Listening to this energetic track out of context may infuriate you, especially if you are a woman. (I would argue that they should infuriate you regardless of gender, but this isn't a blog about feminism, so I'm not going to argue that here.) The lyrics openly objectify a female's body, punctuated with the repeated line, "I don't even care about your personality."
When put into context, however, it becomes a hilarious, scathing work of art. See, the prompt behind this song asked Andrew to write a piece that expresses the requester's feelings for a girl he—presumably "he," though it would still be problematic to some degree regardless of gender—likes. The requester then went on to provide a short list of things about this girl that he finds worth expressing: "her beautiful light blue eyes, long brown hair, and great athletic body." You probably noticed that those are all physical, external attributes which are largely beyond her control.
Andrew included those attributes in the song, verbatim. The line about not caring about her personality? That was Andrew's idea. He turned this hormonal person's shallow expression of lust into a work of biting musical satire. Less than thirty seconds is all it takes for Mr. Pants* himself to rip this person a new one.
Now. We are human. Aesthetic and other attractions are a normal, healthy part of life—as are a lack thereof. But…tact is always important when expressing such attractions. And if we've learned anything from what women have been shouting at us over the last few years all of time, there's a time and a place for compliments that are only about physical appearance, and a song from an acquaintance is not that.
As a work of satire, this song is hilarious. The upbeat melody and the peppy punk sound, combined with the lyrics, produce an emotional whiplash that only perfectly constructed satire can muster. You start out thinking, "Oh, cool, a love song." And then you get to the last line, and you're like, "That is not what I was expecting, WTF. Why is he so happy about reducing this girl to her looks?"
I loved this song before I had even read the original prompt. Its message is pretty clear. And it's hilariously pulled off. But knowledge of the requester's original intention makes it even more hilarious because then you know that it's not just satire; Andrew epically trolled the requester. This song isn't just a cheeky interpretation; it's vicious.
*Throughout the vast majority (if not the entirety) of Songs to Wear Pants To's lifespan, Andrew credited himself as "Andrew Pants." Plus, addressing him as "Mr. Huang" in this context would have felt…absurd lol.
Prompt Summary: [Paid Song] a doo-wop song as a Christmas gift for a mother and an aunt
Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate it! I don't, but there are no Hanukkah-themed Songs to Wear Pants To, so I'm doing this instead.
I honestly wasn't all that familiar with doo-wop until I first heard this and a couple of other Songs to Wear Pants To, but I immediately fell in love with this historically Black genre. The prominent harmonies, the fun scatting, the swing rhythms and syncopation…it's a beautiful tapestry of music.
Mouthful of a title aside, "Shooby Doo Wop Muh Muh Ne My My My" is a slow doo-wop song, commissioned as a Christmas gift to someone's relatives. It incorporates tropes like metaphors and radio shoutouts, with a smooooooooooooth chorus consisting entirely of scatting. As far as Christmas songs, it's not particularly Christmas-y, as the holiday only gets a single mention, but the slow tempo and overall smoooooooooothness of the song make it a great tune alongside which to slow-dance with a loved one beside a burning Yule log.*
I really don't have a whole lot else to say about this one. It's in my top 20 STWPTs. It's just so smoooooooooooooth.
"SONGS TO WEAR PANTS TO THEME" Original Post Links:Version 1 | Version 2 Original Post Date: July 7, 2004 Runtime: 0:34 (version 1) ; 0:52 (version 2) Genres: Ballad (version 1) ; Rock (version 2) Compilation Album:Green Pants
Prompt Summary: a theme song for Songs to Wear Pants To—what a shocker!
We've hit 25 posts, so I'm doing something special today: two songs for the price of one. Except they're technically the same song. And they have the exact same title. And they were originally released the same day. So basically this is one song, just from two different universes. Or maybe it's like light: one thing made up of two phenomena existing in the same space at the same time. I am going to stop trying to explain this because I'm getting a headache.
Anyway, this is the official theme song(s) for the Songs to Wear Pants To website. Appropriately named "Songs to Wear Pants To Theme," each version of this song is a response to a separate prompt that asked Andrew to write a theme song for STWPT. Neither had any suggestions for genre, though the one used for the second* version does raise the idea of using an actual pair of pants as an instrument, an idea that not only did Andrew run with but that is also ingenious.
Both versions have basically the same lyrics: "Songs to Wear Pants To is a website. It has some songs, and you can listen to them in your computer. All you have to do is right-click and 'Save as….'" They also have the same basic melody. And that is where the similarities end.
Version 1 is a slow ballad, with a lone guitar accompanying Andrew's impassioned vocals. The mood is somewhat broken at the end, when Andrew's strumming goes out of control, leading to a delightfully awkward chuckle to punctuate the theme song.
Version 2 is an energetic rock song (though only slightly faster than the other version), with an electric guitar and percussion rounding out the vocals. This is Andrew at his STWPT-est, just losing himself in the song, getting us all super excited for Songs to Wear Pants To. This version has an interlude, however: a "pants solo." For said pants solo, all the music cuts out except for the faint sound of Andrew "playing" a pair of pants. At first, it sounds sounds like he's just rubbing his hand or something else against a pair of pants, with no sense of rhythm, before he eventually finds a beat while doing something more akin to drumming. You might have to turn your volume up for this solo.
Both versions are perfect theme songs for the late website. Not every Song to Wear Pants To is fast-paced and instrumentation-rich, but even the ones that aren't tend to devolve into some kind of craziness. Meanwhile, STWPT is all about fun and experimentation. It is perfect that we got these two different sides of the same coin because just one of them alone would not have done the site justice.
*Ever played the Oracle games in the Legend of Zelda franchise? In case you haven't, they're two standalone games that can each be "connected" to the other to make either game the sequel to the other. In effect, you get a chicken-or-egg scenario, where canonically, each one takes place both before and after the other. That's what we have here. There's no actual "Version 1" and "Version 2"; they're both "Songs to Wear Pants To Theme." I just applied version numbering here to make my life infinitely easier. It wasn't entirely random, though, as the one I refer to as "Version 1" was posted before the other one. While there are no discernible timestamps, we can probably safely assume that Andrew posted them in close succession, meaning "Version 1" is the first version in the way that one twin is older than another. There, wasn't that a fun footnote? What a ride!
Prompt Summary: a song about a Broadway character who gets suspended above a shark tank and has to summarize all of world history in less than a minute and eleven seconds or die
Some Songs to Wear Pants To prompts were like this one: very specific and very weird. It's like magnetic poetry, or at least how I do it. ("Has you be fluffing" is my magnum opus.*)
You can get pretty much the whole song from the prompt summary, as Andrew hits every single beat, except perhaps from making the main character more like an out-of-character performer than an actual character. We open on a rather lengthy plea for help, in which our nameless protagonist screams for mercy and lists off all the other production staff that have already been killed. Then, the freaky but nondescript villain demands to hear a summary of world history.
Then comes the most jarring 180 imaginable, with the protagonist just like, "Well, okay!"—as if his life were no longer in danger and he were actually really delighted to comply with the villain's request. I love this 180 because it comes out of nowhere and is like a slap in the face right before the actual song begins: a bouncy showtune a la Liza Minnelli.
Obviously, this isn't a deep dive into history; we're already thirty seconds into the track before the song even starts, and the whole track is just over a minute long. bill wurtz famously covered world history at breakneck speed and still produced a 19-minute video. So don't expect to learn anything new…except for Andrew's birth year. Yeah, at the end of the song, he breaks the fourth wall and ends his history "lesson" with the real Andrew's birth. Apparently, he was a "beautiful baby," if there's such a thing for humans. :D
"It Was the World" is an unexpected rollercoaster of a minute. The narrative is bizarre and leaves you wondering about the main character's fate, but at the same time, it ends with a truly fantastic line that is even funnier out of context. The song part of the track is quite catchy and also successful at evoking a Golden Age of Broadway style of musical.
"So please don't throw me into the tank of sharks."
*My other magnetic poetry hits include "purple finger juice did," "club there garden milk," "me a mean watch," and of course, "these-ing-ed-s." What? Why are you looking at me like that?
Like other "I Am…" songs, the lyrics tell this famous tale from the perspective of the title entity, Goldilocks in this case. Except it's a somewhat grungy interpretation of her story because the 1980s; the lyrics also imply that Goldilocks is older when she is singing them. For example, according to this song, Goldilocks didn't just surprise the bears; she "pissed [them] off." Then there's my favorite line: "I'm the misdemeanor queen, I'll wreck your home / I've been breaking and entering since age nine."
This isn't your preschool's Goldilocks. She is a criminal (if a petty one), and she has no remorse about invading the bears' home. Anything she wants is hers; she's the queen. She's punk rock and runs. this. town. Welcome to the real world, foo'!
…Okay, I think I got a little carried away, there. Anyway, any fan of '80s alt-rock should appreciate the moody melody and Andrew's self-assured vocals. But when you also understand what he's parodying here, you'll never view Goldilocks the same way again.
*In researching this song, I learned two things that have made me question my entire education: 1) "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" is not from Grimms' Fairy Tales, and 2) the Goldilocks character, as originally written by an Englishman in the 1800s, was a crotchety, old woman who broke into a bachelor pad (rather than a family) of bears. What is this? Why can't this be the popular version? It sounds hilarious!
"BOSSA BYE BABY" Original Post Date: March 28, 2005 Runtime: 2:19 Genres: Bossa Nova/Lullaby Compilation Album:Blue Pants
Prompt Summary: [Paid Song] a bossa nova lullaby that is "slowish" but carried by a bossa nova rhythm and lyrics ; list of things to be mentioned in lyrics is provided
Remember "Celtic Techno Burrito"? That was a meeting of two genres that probably should never have met, even if the end result was super catchy and fun. Well, I'm here to present another Song to Wear Pants To that is a meeting of two genres that never come together anywhere else: bossa nova and lullaby.
Bossa nova rhythms are always fun, but how could anyone possibly take such lively, swingy music and mold it into something for putting babies to sleep? The answer? *shrug* "Bossa Bye Baby" probably won't be putting any babies to sleep, but they'll probably still get a kick out of it, as will you.
Lyrically, this song is both extremely sweet and subtly odd. There's no explanation provided, but the original prompt includes a list of seemingly random things that Andrew should include in the song. (Click the song title at the top of the post to see the list on the original site.) I actually appreciate the lack of context for this list, as it makes the request more mysterious and also leaves open the possibility that the requester was just very drunk and/or high* when they paid Andrew to make this song.
Musically, this song is a typical bossa nova. The lullaby isn't in the music, hence why this probably won't work so well for bedtime, but rather it is in the lyrics' being about a baby. One could argue that Andrew's use of falsetto makes it more lullaby-like, but…okay, I just disproved my point. Meanwhile, the refrain is a hecka good hook, and it makes this song, like many other Songs to Wear Pants To, unbelievably catchy. (No surprise: it's stuck in my head right now.)
Not quite the ear-tingling weirdness of "Celtic Techno Burrito," but still an interesting combination of genres!
*I have to imagine that at least ten percent of the requesters throughout STWPT's lifespan were cognitively impaired because otherwise that means that there are a lot of strange people in the world. What? There are? And I'm one of them? Oh, okay, that explains soooo much! Thanks for clearing that up!
Prompt Summary: a ringtone that gets progressively angrier before giving up and admitting that voicemails are better than live phone calls, anyway
…And now back to the shenanigans!
"Angry Ring Tone" is exactly what it sounds like: an angry ringtone. Wow, never saw that coming.
This non-song was requested by someone who wanted to hear Andrew's talents while on the go. Bear in mind that this was around 2010, so MP3 players had been around for about a decade; even the iPhone had been out for a few years. I definitely had some free STWPT tracks on my iPod by then,* and I listened to Andrew while on the go. We didn't need a ringtone for this.
Aaaaaanyway, now that that's off my chest, let's discuss the ringtone. It's purely a cappella, meaning there are no instrumentals. Instead, we get a nice three-part harmony of Andrew singing the word, "rinnnnng," a few times. Each time, true to the prompt, the performance gets a little more aggressive and demanding, getting quite loud by the end. Then we get Andrew talking to us in one last-ditch attempt to get us to answer the call before conceding that leaving a voicemail is easier than actually talking on the phone, a sentiment that very much lives on today. (Actually, the saying is, "texting is easier than talking," but that wouldn't have fit as well in a ringtone.)
That's about it. It's short and not-so-sweet. Funny, though! If I liked ringtones, I'd totally use this one. But I'll stick to my vibrate-only mode.
*At that point, I still hadn't heard much Songs to Wear Pants To, but my brother had shown me Shorts to Wear Pants To, and I'd since downloaded all of the songs featured in that collab that I could download for free. Some were $0.99, though, and I had no way of making Internet payments yet. Wow, that takes me back…
"NEVER"(Extended Version) Original Post Dates: November 30, 2005 (Extended: June 9, 2009) Runtimes: 0:57 (Extended: 3:03) Genres: Pop/Rock Ballad Compilation Albums:Pink Pants (Extended: Skinny Jeans [also available on Autumn])
Prompt Summary: a song about things that Andrew has never done, in 5/4 time and without any percussion
Ah, "Never." When Andrew posted the original version of this song just over 17(!) years ago, STWPT fans were totally blindsided. In a mind-blowing inversion of his frequent cheeky interpretations of serious prompts, Andrew took a fun prompt and made a beautiful, heart-wrenching masterpiece.
As the prompt summary above states, the requester wanted Andrew to write a song about some things that he'd never done before. To make it more fun, they asked for it to be in 5/4 time—five beats per measure; note that "common time" is four beats per measure—and have no backing percussion.* Instead of a whimsical list of outrageous or impossible (or, alternatively, humanly necessary) things, Andrew wrote a song about never having gotten the chance to say goodbye to an ex.
Yup. "Never" is a breakup song. A totally normal breakup song. Like one you'd hear on a Top 40 radio station. Minds: blown.
What makes "Never" even more of an outlier is that the vast majority of the serious songs in the STWPT project are the results of paid commissions. In other words, Andrew pretty much only ever wrote serious songs when someone paid him to do so; otherwise, he even made fun of blatant requests for breakup songs. Except here. We can only speculate as to why this is the exception. Perhaps Andrew had just gone through a breakup in real life? :(
Musically, "Never" does take its 5/4 time request in stride. (It's rather difficult to conduct a song in 5/4 time, as I've learned from this song.) As far as I can tell, the original song features only a guitar and a piano—no drums—which lends it additional emotional weight as Andrew sings over a relatively sparse accompaniment. The original, minute-long version ends on a sustained piano note, leaving you hanging onto the raw emotion that's just been dumped on you out of nowhere by this comedy recording artist, before it fades to nothing. Damn.
Over the years, as you can see for yourself in the comments section of the original site post—click the word "Never" at the top of this post to visit—Andrew was inundated with praise for "Never," with fans expressing awe and appreciation for his songwriting talent. Mixed in with the praise were requests for an expanded version of the song. More than four years later, they got their wish: "Never (Extended)." What began as an unexpectedly heartfelt vignette became a full-length song, complete with verses, a chorus, a bridge, and a coda, thanks to the anonymous hero who paid Andrew to make it so.
Much like the extended version of "Celtic Techno Burrito" back in 2004, this extended track includes the original cut at the beginning. However, per the extended version's request, that final piano note from the original fades out more quickly now, creating a seamless transition into the new parts of the song. There's also a more lively instrumentation, including drums, and while that could have detracted from the emotional impact, it actually builds up quite well, going all forte or even fortissimo during the song's climactic coda.
Andrew successfully raised money on Kickstarter to fund the production of a music video for the song, and while I'm not generally a music video fan, this is one of my favorites. It shows Andrew revisiting a house, presumably where he lived with the significant other, taking in all of the memories they shared before ultimately destroying everything in spectacular fashion, an outpouring of sorrow and pain. The video is visually striking, and it compliments the song brilliantly. Therefore, instead of embedding a YouTube Music song below, I've embedded the official music video!
Andrew also released the extended version of "Never" as the lead single from his second solo LP, Autumn (originally released under the "Your Heart" moniker, a duo that disappeared into thin air). It features as the third track on that album, which comprises ten wrenching but beautiful songs about troubled relationships. This is not the first Song to Wear Pants To to be re-released on one of his "Seasons" albums; he reworked STWPT track "Hidden Camera Show" into the song "1997" on his earlier album Summer.
*As a delightfully pedantic fan commented below the original version's post on the original STWPT site, technically, it does include percussion because technically a piano is a percussion instrument. I would personally consider it a hybrid percussion/string instrument; musicologists would classify it as a chordophone.
Prompt Summary: [Paid Song] "a lighthearted song" about an energetic child who loves bananas of all kinds, to be used in a short animation
Hello again! Did you miss me? No? Okay!
Here is another character theme: "Laika Loves Bananas." This aggressively wholesome song is the result of a commission from Cristina Rose Chua,* then a student at De La Salle–College of Saint Benilde in the Philippines, for Andrew to compose and produce the opening theme song to her capstone project: an educational animation about the varieties of banana that you can find in the Philippines. (Find the animation itself after the jump!)
At the center of the song, and its associated animation of the same title, is Laika Tan, a child (voiced in the animation by Cristina herself) who, as you might imagine, loves bananas. The animation is targeted at children, and the theme song definitely fits that audience, as well. In typical kids' music fashion, we've got a bright, upbeat hook set to the song title, as well as a bridge containing many adjectives describing the same thing, in this case, bananas.
There isn't a whole lot else to say about this song. If you're looking for some cheering up, definitely give this a listen because it's extremely adorable. (It's also extremely stuck in my head right now.)
*In case you're wondering, like I was in the process of researching this song, where C.R. Chua—as she goes by these days—is today, she does have a website, but it's unfortunately unfinished and seems not to have been updated in over two years. Which is a shame because if you check out her portfolio page, you'll see absolutely incredible (and predictably wholesome) art. Oh! And she's published a graphic novel, as well.
Prompt Summary: [Paid Song] a song about three flamingos—Simple, Phinneus [sic], and Hugo—who are both fancy and French ; character descriptions provided ; genre should be something peppy but morose
A bunch of the paid Songs to Wear Pants To came about as commissions for songs about the requesters' original characters or their pets. My best guess is that "The Fabulous Flamingos of France," falls into the former* category, on account of flamingos' not being common pets….
The requester's suggestion of a peppy but morose genre is the best way to describe this song. It's got an upbeat melody, but there's also something slightly off-putting in the mix. That could be Andrew's breathy crooning, the heavy use of reverb, a combination of both, or something else entirely. In any case, the end result is an interesting one, to be sure.
Each of the verses tells you about one of these oddball flamingo characters. The descriptions are charming but not particularly exciting, save for the occasional joke. No, the best part of the song is the refrain, which will get stuck in your head. The AAAA rhyme scheme—all four lines rhyme with one another!—and the melody make it very catchy and fun to sing alongside.
The prompt's first paragraph references a short story involving these characters, but I am unclear on whether the intention was to have the song be that short story or if the requester meant that "The Fabulous Flamingos of France" was a short story they wrote, for whose characters they wanted Andrew to write a theme. Either way, this is not really a narrative song. Probably could have benefited from a little bit of a narrative to make the verses more meaningful, but at least we got a chorus that slaps.
Prompt Summary: a song about the sadness that results from moving away and thereby losing a girlfriend
Up to now, I have covered acouple of songs that resulted from Andrew taking the prompts he was given and then intentionally misinterpreting the requesters' intentions to hilarious effect. But compared to this "cheeky interpretation," those are mere chuckle-generators; "Girl, I'm Sorry…" is the cheekiest interpretation, and it is excellent.
The original prompt comes off as serious, and if Andrew had played it straight, it could have ended up being a really bittersweet song, like something off his 2010 album Autumn.* Instead, we have this very literal song in which a brokenhearted person apologizes to their girlfriend for moving. But not, like, moving residences. No, like, actually moving. Like physically. At all. As if physical movement were a relationship dealbreaker for the girlfriend.
To add to the funny, Andrew performs the song as an emotional rock ballad, complete with a lyrical suggestion to the girlfriend character to "go out with a statue made of clay and stuff so you couldn't break its heart like mine," a line that's just quintessentially Songs to Wear Pants To. Heck, this whole song is quintessentially STWPT, with its ridiculous premise (which is itself based on a totally normal one), coupled with moving instrumentals and straight-played vocals.
It's labeled as one of Andrew's personal favorites on the original site, and it's no wonder: it's comedy gold, with or without knowledge of the prompt that inspired it. For that reason, it's also one of my personal favorites.
*I love Autumn because the first song is relatively upbeat, then the songs become increasingly depressing, culminating in "Your Heart," which is beautifully soul-crushing. Actually, I love the album because it's good music, but…. Oh, and one of the tracks on the album was originally a Song to Wear Pants To! (That whole album cycle is perfect, so expect me to reference it repeatedly in the future.)
Prompt Summary: "a love song with the most epic lyrics ever"
(Yeah, I didn't even try to put a genre on this one. David Pumpkins said this one best.)
We have here a very short, very sweet, very odd, and very nerdy song. The prompt as summarized above is effectively the whole thing, and nowhere does it mention D&D or any other pop culture phenomena. The lyrics that Andrew came up with reference, in order: D&D, Harry Potter, and Lord of the Rings. The references aren't deep cuts, either; D&D is only mentioned by name, Harry's wand gets a fleeting mention, and LotR's reference is just about how "Gandalf gave Frodo the Ring."
Where, then, did these references come from? We'd probably have to ask Andrew for that. I'd do it, but I don't have the time or a method of contacting him. Instead, I'll offer my best guess, which is that Andrew made a cheeky interpretation of the word "epic" from the prompt and decided to reference epic fantasy literature. If that's the case, then well done, sir.
Another source of humor is the actual singing. Andrew went up to his upper register, possibly to sound like a tweenage girl—if that was his intention, bravo, although if not, then that's still what I got out of this song. The singer also pronounces words in a manner similar to Homestar Runner: Rs and Ls like Ws.* That adds to the juvenile effect; whoever is singing the song "in-universe" probably has no idea what love or kissing is actually like, hence the meaningless pop culture references.
And then remember that this is supposed to be an epic love song. But it's kind of the opposite. The lyrics are blah, the singing is half-hearted at best, and the only instrumental accompaniment is some basic (albeit on-tempo) drumming. The end result is a song that's somehow both extremely endearing and deeply unsettling. Does that count as "epic"? I'll leave that determination up to you. (Aren't I generous?)
*David S. Pumpkins AND Homestar in the same post: check out my nerd cred.
Prompt Summary: a 45-second song about "Big Bob sunbathing naked on the Piazza" until he gets hit with an ice cream cone and then something happens ; accompaniment must be a harmonica, and the phrase "your mum" must be repeated three times
I had a very, very hard time trying to determine what genre this totally weird song fits into. Like, it's almost got the feel of a children's song, but it's also kinda suggestive. The only instrumental accompaniment comes from a lone harmonica. And the song's about a guy sunbathing with your parents until he gets hit in the head with an ice cream cone. Then the lyrics for the rest of the song consist of various combinations of "blah," "big," "blob," and "Bob." Until the end. When Andrew just sort of does a vocal impression of a loop-de-loop, if that's even possible.
I settled on "folk," but only because that's how Andrew himself classified this song on the original site. And the only possible explanation for that classification is the presence of the harmonica; there is just no other reason why any sober person would classify "Big Bob…" as folk music.
Yeah, so this one's pretty weird! It starts out being about a guy naked on an Italian roof, then it brings your mother into it, and then your father, before finally clarifying that they're only sunbathing. And then, gibberish, because that's apparently the result of getting hit in the head with an ice cream cone? I dunno. Probably best not to over-analyze* this one; just accept it as an enigma.
Anyway, feel free to leave a comment with how you'd classify this song, genre-wise, 'cause I've got nothing.
*The reeeeeal meaning behind this song is, obviously, that ice cream rots sunbathers' brains and that we must take on Big Ice Cream, holding up Big Bob as martyr to our cause, and make sure that they don't interrupt our innocent, nude group sunbathing sessions ever again!
Prompt Summary: "[…]make a rap song about how you make a rap song, the process you go through etc." That's a direct quote, encompassing all but two words of the entire prompt.
"It’s broken by the endless loads Of making-ofs and mobisodes" - Joss Whedon, "Heart, Broken," Commentary! the Musical (2008)
It takes a special kind of artist to present behind-the-scenes information in song. Joss Whedon was one of them when he and his relatives produced a DVD commentary track that was literally a musical about a musical.* Less than a year later, Andrew gave us this song: "How I Make a Rap Song, the Process I Go Through Etc."
In my last post, I covered legendary STWPT entry "Crunk Juice," one of the finest STWPT examples of Andrew's rap prowess. That's not the only example, however, and fans took notice over the years. One of them requested this particular song, asking Andrew to produce a song about how he makes his rap music…in the form of rap music. People who know me well know that I love anything meta because it gives me good headaches, and this is a level of meta and self-reference that produces migraines. (The good kind…?)
There isn't a whole lot to say about the song without just spelling it out for you. It is, itself, a spectacularly crafted rap song, about how Andrew spectacularly crafts his rap songs. Oh, and if you liked the nerd character from "It's Halloween!" (among others), I have some good news for you…
"Make it hot like a candle!"
*Controversial opinion: Commentary! is better than Dr. Horrible. Slightly. They're both fantastic, though. The former is just so…about itself.
"CRUNK JUICE" Original Post Date: June 30, 2006 Runtime: 1:10 Genre: Hip-hop Compilation Album:Pink Pants
Prompt Summary: a song about crunk juice, which is a cocktail of Red Bull mixed with any alcoholic beverage (usually gin or vodka)
(Content Warning: copious alcohol references)
"Lucky number thirteen"? You must be crunk.
This essential Song to Wear Pants To, which is both a fan and creator favorite, is a cautionary tale about a drink that definitely never should have existed and that was definitely first mixed by someone who was already blasted out of their mind. Yes, folks, before Four Loko's "original" recipe, there was crunk juice: an unholy combination of Red Bull's unhealthy flood of caffeine and a shot of liquid courage, or in this case, technically "liquid idiocy." Seriously, only a thoroughly inebriated person would consider it a remotely good idea to consume caffeine (a stimulant) and alcohol (a depressant) simultaneously. We talk about hearts being full of love, but after you drink crunk juice, your heart hates you. And so does your brain. And your liver. And basically your whole body. …I would imagine.
Anyway, enough about the drink itself; let's talk about the song. This rap song consists of Andrew spittin' lyrics about how messed up his body is after drinking crunk juice. According to the song, the only reason he drank any in the first place is because of "peer pressure, maaan." And then apparently, he became an addict? I mean, he drinks it in so many different contexts, to the point where he has to drag Dr. Seuss into the song. And of course, there's mention of vomiting, painting a delightful picture with the phrase "crunk juice river."
Subject matter aside, "Crunk Juice" is a solid-gold demonstration of Andrew's rapping abilities, throwing himself into every beat, every syllable. He even expertly pulls off a few consecutive bars of straight sixteenths, wherein each sixteenth is a different syllable. I honestly don't know what he is rapping* during that phrase—even after having listened to the song well over 30 times over the past decade—on account of a hearing thing I have, but I can tell that he's saying actual words and not tripping over any of them, which in and of itself is an impressive feat of articulation.
As you will see in future blog posts, this is one of a small handful of Songs to Wear Pants To that Andrew samples or remixes in future songs. "Crunk Juice," for all of its morbidly hilarious complaining, is part of an elite selection of Songs to Wear Pants To that collectively form the backbone of the project. The "trunk," if you will. Or…"crunk."
"CRUUUUUUUUUUNK!!"
(DISCLAIMER: Neither Pants-a-Day nor Andrew Huang condones the consumption of crunk juice. The song is actually a warning against doing so, and you should heed it. Nobody is responsible for the consequences of crunk juice consumption but yourself. Don't try to blame your "hip-hop crew" or "the punk dudes.")
*You can actually find the lyrics to most Songs to Wear Pants To on the archived official site, but note that anything Andrew adlibbed just got put down as "[Adlib.]" Luckily, that doesn't apply to "Crunk Juice."
"I AM A CLAM" Original Post Date: September 9, 2004 Runtime: 1:09 Genre: Ballad Compilation Album:Green Pants
Prompt Summary: a calming song to play as hold music to sedate angry callers, as sung by a clam ; lyrics included
Heck. Yes.
"I Am a Clam" is one of my all-time STWPT favorites because it's perfect in every way. Way 1: it's hold muzak. Way 2: it tells you how to feel. Way 3: clams.
The original prompt was pretty specific—and, ironically, loud; click on the song title above to view the post on the original site, including the prompt text, and you'll see what I mean. It provided Andrew with a particular use case, lyrics, and even a preferred "voice": a clam. It seems that the requester came up with a clam because it is an anagram of "calm," and they had already typed "calm" a few times in one form or another. This person sounds excellent; I like the way they think.
True to the prompt, this song is direct and to the point: "You are on hold; don't be angry." The song is actually a short loop played a bunch of times in a row, so you'll be reminded of your hold status quite a bit. As a calming loop, it is a slow, acoustic ballad. And then it cuts off at one point in the middle of a repetition, with no warning. That makes it better. Not because you are sick of hearing that you are on hold and should calm the frak down, but rather because you are no longer on hold. Because the song is over. Which is also kind of sad. If I were ever on hold while this song looped ad nauseum, I'd want to be on hold forever.
Of course, there's still the elephant in the room: what's with the clam? If you remember from my post on "I Am a Tree," Andrew's "I Am Things" songs are always written from the perspective of the thing or person in the title. And sure enough, the prompt called for the song to be sung as if by a clam. So…is it? Is it really? There is nothing (obvious) indicating that the singer is a clam. Is this tenor voice what Andrew believes a singing clam sounds like? The world may never know. (Feel free to post your clam-related thoughts in the comments below this post.)
We do know one thing: this song is a pearl. And that's an objective fact.* I will fight you.
*A less objective fact, but still a fact, is that it has been exactly one month since I started the blog! Sweet!
Prompt Summary: [Paid Song] write an "Andrew-esque" Halloween song to fill the void of good Halloween songs
As far as titles that are more than a little on the nose…. I present to you, "It's Halloween!" Because it is. Or it will be a few hours after when I am writing this. Or maybe you're reading this in the future…? Gah, time is wibbly-wobbly nonsense.
Given that this song is the result of a paid commission, Andrew went all out with this song, and it shows. It's a fun celebration of everything that makes Halloween what it is today, from the costumes and characters to the candy and spoops. And it's all packaged in a catchy, upbeat pop/rap song.
"It's Halloween!" comes from late into Songs to Wear Pants To's life cycle, released about two weeks before "PFUDOR," and while a smaller percentage of songs at that point were rap songs, this one is a clear demonstration that Andrew's rhyme-spittin' skillz had not atrophied a bit and, in fact, had bulked up.
This song features cultural references galore, namedropping superheroes, sidekicks, supporting characters, and more. Perhaps the only reference that's dated is also the funniest in retrospect: "Swine Flu Guy," a reference to the H1N1 pandemic that was winding down at the time. (Remember when global pandemics only lasted a year and then went away? Good times.) Andrew's nerd character also makes a special appearance starting from the bridge, after a flawless transition.
But the worst/best part of the song is its extremely catchy chorus that is properly stuck in my head as I type this. You've been warned. Fuahahahahahahaaaaaa!
Suck it, "Monster Mash," "Thriller." This should be the most iconic Halloween anthem.* Yeah, I went there.
*Also, petition to make "Shoot the Zombies" another Halloween anthem. (If I'm still doing this blog in a year, that's next year's Halloween song. If I don't cover it before then. Must…resist…)
Prompt Summary: literally, just the title of the song, with a little extra punctuation
Wait just a dang second! This song is from Songs to Wear Pants To‽ What‽
Yes! It's true! Viral sensation "Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing on Rainbows," that song that your seven-year-old child has blasted on a loop for hours on end* is an Andrew Huang original, through and through, and it's the reason that his YouTube subscriber count multiplied by some power of ten (from an already hefty 3,000) in a matter of weeks. Heck, you probably knew about this song and about Andrew's YouTube channel before you'd ever heard of Songs to Wear Pants To. But the truth is, without Songs to Wear Pants To, this song probably would never have happened.
So how did it happen? According to Andrew's retrospective making-of video, this STWPT prompt wasn't so much as an intentional song request emailed to him, as it was some random comment someone left on one of his YouTube videos—okay, foreshadowing. Shortly after posting the video a day after posting the song on STWPT.com, the song apparently made it to the front page of Reddit(!), where the fandom of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic—a fandom known for its pony-themed music videos—ate. it. up. Soon, cartoon pony music videos and amateur covers eclipsed Andrew's original in popularity, to the point where Andrew was being accused of ripping off himself, a magic trick so impressive that, were it true, it could have earned Andrew an honorary doctorate from the Interwebs School of Witchcraft and Intellectual Property Magicks.
"But Eden, I don't have kids or spend time on the internet, and now I feel old for not knowing that this song existed." Fair enough, although the real reason you feel old is that Soul Train is over half a century old and Friends is 28, and that's just as of the date I originally wrote this.
"Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing on Rainbows," referred to by Andrew—and, starting right now, yours truly—as "PFUDOR," is an upbeat, kid-friendly song that's exactly as cute as the title would suggest. A bright ukelele serves as the rhythm section for a bright xylophone and a bright flute. It's a very bright-sounding song, as you can imagine. Perhaps blindingly so.
Lyrically (and technically musically, too), "FPUDOR" follows an ABA structure. The "A" section consists of the song's title, sung repeatedly to the melody. The "B" section is my personal favorite part: a pop-quiz break about "what we've learned so far." The questions concern facts one can glean from the title, while the Andrew-voiced chorus answers them with absolute glee. The funniest part is the last question and answer, which I won't spoil but will just say that the comedic timing is legendary and should have been the only reason this song went viral.
While I shake my head that this is the STWPT that went truly viral—it's totally a good entry and fits snugly with the rest of the STWPT oeuvre, but…"Shoot the Zombies"? "Celtic Techno Burrito"? "Don't Feel Bad"? All meme-worthy songs—at least Andrew has finally found the internet fame he has deserved all along. It just boggles my mind that it didn't happen until the final year or so of the STWPT project.
*Hey. Hey. It's not "Baby Shark." So remember: it could always be worse.
Prompt Summary: "a song when a cow snapping over friend chiken XD." That's the whole request. Verbatim.
Many Songs to Wear Pants To are fantastic standalone tracks that would fit right in on the radio.* Then, there are those that would baffle anybody unfamiliar with the premise of Andrew's project. This fits snugly into the latter group. (And incidentally, understanding the website's premise doesn't really help with the bafflement in this particular case, as the prompt is…barely coherent.)
If you ever wanted to feel like you're on a half-decent hallucinogenic trip without the need for actual hallucinogens, just listen to "When a Cow Snapping over Friend Chiken XD." This slow ballad consists of the title repeated several times, with a backup vocal dropping in at the end of each phrase with a riff on the title. At the end, we get a little unintentional, behind-the-scenes glimpse into Andrew's process because his guitar pedal apparently lost power while he was recording this song. He adlibs about the event, tossing in a reference to the song title for good measure. No retakes here; that adlib is canonically part of the song now.
There are a million possible explanations for what the requester's original intention was, here. One commenter on the official STWPT site proposed that they meant to type "fried chicken." Someone else—clearly a fellow '90s child—thought it could have been a reference to the bonkers, late-90s Cartoon Network show Cow and Chicken.
The "XD" at the end of the prompt is probably the least ambiguous part: it's a classic emoticon indicating riotous laughter. This would suggest that the requester thought they'd come up with something truly hilarious, even though the meaning still eludes us well over a decade later.
Some of my favorite Songs to Wear Pants To are the results of Andrew's reading a prompt and then coming up with a cheeky interpretation. (See also: "Lyrics to a Song." I can't wait to write about that on this blog; it is perfection.) "When a Cow…" definitely at least leans against that box, especially given his inclusion of "XD," which was not meant to be included for real, considering it's an emoticon.
I don't know what else he could have done with the prompt. But that's okay because this song is perfect just the way it is. Well, except that I do wish it weren't such an earworm.
*Well, at least on Dr. Demento's show. Also, a radio station of just STWPT would be just swell. Please?
Prompt Summary: [Paid Song] write a ska/rock song about a girl named Myssy [sic] who wears Predator armor and hunts humans in a department store, complete with gory imagery but also lighthearted
I just saw the original Alien movie for the first time over the weekend, so…here's a song about Predators, I guess!*
Andrew stayed true to the requester's wishes: the narrative in this song is very gory. What makes the song absolutely hilarious (in a very twisted sort of way) is that, musically, it's an upbeat ska track. As Andrew lists off each horrific act of violence committed by Myssy, the titular Predator, he does so in a cheerful, almost matter-of-fact way. It's a combination straight out of Happy Tree Friends.
Yeah, I think that just about covers it. Uh, content warning for graphic, violent imagery. In case you couldn't tell.
*Yes, I know: obviously, they're two different franchises. And yes, I know there was a crossover. No, I don't care. :D
Prompt Summary: [Paid Song] a goodbye song for Sister Kathy Rees, a seminary teacher, from her graduating students
Here's another one of my personal favorites: "We Want to Thank You, Sister Rees." There's no gimmick here, no laughs; just a heartfelt tribute to someone who touched the lives of her students.
Sister Rees taught an LDS seminary school in Washington State.* If this song is anything to go by, she was an inspirational figure who not only brought out the best in others but also bent over backward to support her students, waking up at ungodly hours of the morning to bring them closer to their God. She gave them all wristbands with inspirational messages about doing the right thing and persevering in the face of adversity.
One of Sister Rees' students paid Andrew to write this song, which is a slow rock ballad in a similar vein to Michael Bolton's hits, as a gift that they could give to her prior to their seminary graduation. It's not about the one student, though, so much as an appreciation from students past, present, and future.
It's extremely wholesome (and oddly catchy), and you might want to have some tissues nearby, just in case.
*Late last year, while listening to "We Want to Thank You…," I decided to find out where Sister Rees is today. Sadly, she passed away in 2019. I hope that this song serves her memory well. It sounds like she was a wonderful human being.
"REVERSE ESCARGOT" Original Post Date: July 3, 2005 Runtime: 1:02 Genres: Pop/Electronic/Hip-Hop Compilation Album:Pink Pants
Prompt Summary: write a song about snails who eat people
There's Weird, and then there's STWPT Weird. And it's not even necessarily Andrew's fault; sometimes the prompts that fans sent him inevitably led to some really weird music.
Enter "Reverse Escargot," an electronic pop song that's genuinely about what happened "when the snails came" and started eating people. As far as titles go, this one's pretty on the nose. Is it perfect? Yes. Yes, it is.
Another one of Andrew's personal favorite Songs to Wear Pants To, this one is incredibly catchy, thanks in large part to its repeated middle section. (I hesitate to call it a refrain because it's only repeated once, after itself.) The opening features Andrew tossing out some pretty cool rhymes, and the last section is a rap* that doesn't take itself seriously and then falls apart completely in a burst of unprompted defensiveness. Very good content.
Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
*The rap contains descriptions of what exactly happens when someone is eaten by a giant snail, so if you're squeamish about snail sustenance, peace out.
"I AM A TREE" Original Post Date: May 11, 2004 Runtime: 1:08 Genre: Rock Ballad Compilation Album:Green Pants
Prompt Summary: write a song about a growing tree, referencing all four seasons
If you have been following the blog up to now—all four posts—then you are probably thinking that STWPT is all wacky nonsense. In fact, a not-insignificant portion of these songs are wholesome and sweet. "I Am a Tree" is one of them.
This is one of the many "I Am…" songs that Andrew wrote, particularly earlier on in STWPT history. What (almost)* all "I Am…" songs have in common is: 1) the title starts with "I Am," and 2) the lyrics are written from the perspective of the song's subject.
Based on this information (and the prompt itself), you've probably figured out that "I Am a Tree" is a song about a tree, from the tree's perspective. The lyrics are rather existential in nature—heh, nature—focusing on how the world changes around the titular tree as time passes, whereas the tree itself, leaves notwithstanding, remains the same. One could even argue that the song is about aging in general, but I'm totally over writing literature analyses for the next fifty years, so I'll leave—heh, leaves—that to you.
Musically, the song is very much a rock ballad, with an ABA structure. The "A" sections are slow and contemplative, while the "B" section is louder and more emotional.
Who knew that a minute-long song could give anyone so many feels?
*An example of an "I Am…" song that is such in name only is "I Am a Clam," which is just hold music for when someone's on the phone. I honestly can't wait to write about that song because it's one of my absolute favorites. Priceless.
Prompt Summary: write a song about a man who's intimidated by the size of the burrito he just ordered, and the style should be Celtic techno, "or any other blend of two genres that would not be caught eating a burrito together"
Probably one of the most legendary Songs to Wear Pants To for a whole slew of reasons, all of them good, "Celtic Techno Burrito" is a meeting of two genres who could only ever blend successfully in a Song to Wear Pants To. Much like the title suggests, the song is an unholy mixture of traditional Celtic and modern techno music. Topping it all off is the repeated line, "Intimidated by the size of my burrito."
The original 42-second version may sound familiar to anyone who frequented the Flash portal Newgrounds in the late aughts; it was one of the tracks used as the basis for an animated short in the collaborative project Shorts to Wear Pants To (link also in the Navi bar on this blog). If that short was accurate, then the size of that burrito is, indeed, quite intimidating.
Besides the lyric, the first thing you'll notice, after the fade-in, is the instrumental hook: a blend of Celtic flute and acoustic guitar, backed by a heavy but driving techno beat. It will probably put you off at first because you have likely never heard these sounds together. Also, the words are about a giant burrito. As you adjust to the sound, you might start rocking out, as you realize that this is the blend of genres that you've been waiting for your whole life without realizing it.
About 6.5 months after posting the original version, Andrew posted an extended version that's about six times as long. This came about after someone paid him to extend either this song or the whimsical "Skamurai."* Obviously, Andrew chose "Celtic Techno Burrito." The extended version is identical at first, but it continues from where the original cut leaves off. There's no real transition into the new part of the song, as the original cut ends abruptly, but the new stuff starts with a short flute solo that leads to another beat drop, which works surprisingly well. Andrew also has a lot of fun with his "Intimidated by the size…" sample, working it over the music in increasingly wacky fashion, culminating in a satisfying climax.
Embedded below is the Extended Version, as the first 40 seconds or so are just the original cut, anyway.
*Still holding out for an extended version of "Skamurai." I want to learn more about the samurai flying on the back of a giant eagle, or at least I want to hear more of that line set to music.
Prompt Summary: write a song that inspires someone to brush their teeth, with a tempo and rhythm that is good for tooth-brushing
This late-STWPT entry is another personal favorite of mine, on account of its utility. Sometimes, I use a manual toothbrush, and timing out two minutes can be hard. Luckily, this song is almost exactly two minutes long,* and boy! is it catchy.
One of the most wholesome of Andrew's songs, "The Toothbrush Song" is a full-throttle celebration of that basic act of personal hygiene, brushing one's teeth. It's even got some great pointers, like using circular motions. The driving beat is great for manual brush-users to scrub along with.
Go ahead: put this song on while you next brush your teeth. It'll make the whole experience so much more fun. I dare you to try not to dance while you're brushing.
*The extra 20 seconds are random. He couldn't resist making it weird, I guess! The song itself is exactly two minutes long, though, give or take a second.
Prompt Summary: [paid song] lyrics to first stanza included + write something about how librarians are sexy and helpful
I may be a little biased, but this is one of my favorite Songs to Wear Pants To. Because I, myself, am a librarian by day. Go figure. (Also, the tune is oddly catchy.)
This song has an upbeat ska feel that'll make you want to dance. Lyrically, it throws around a couple of classification systems* before absolutely fawning over librarians, or at least the singer's librarian friends. I'll pretend I'm one of them; it feels nice to be called "sexy."
It's a short but sweet ode to librarians. What more could any librarian want?
*I respectfully disagree with the assertion that LCC "whoops butt all over" DDC. LCC's classes are so rigid and ethnocentric; DDC's are at least highly extensible. But let's be honest: they're both trash.</hot_take>