Pair #23: "I Am Goldilocks"

Original Post Date: March 19, 2007
Runtime: 1:00
Genre: Alternative rock
Compilation Album: Pink Pants

Prompt Summary: an 80s rock ballad that retells the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears

Once upon a time, a young* girl trespassed on an ursine family's property and helped herself to their oddly human-oriented accommodations.

Summarizing media in a brutally honest light like that is something I very much enjoy doing. (Pok√©mon: minors training animals to fight each other for money…and their friendship…?) So it's no wonder that "I Am Goldilocks" fills me with joy.

Like other "I Am…" songs, the lyrics tell this famous tale from the perspective of the title entity, Goldilocks in this case. Except it's a somewhat grungy interpretation of her story because the 1980s; the lyrics also imply that Goldilocks is older when she is singing them. For example, according to this song, Goldilocks didn't just surprise the bears; she "pissed [them] off." Then there's my favorite line: "I'm the misdemeanor queen, I'll wreck your home / I've been breaking and entering since age nine."

This isn't your preschool's Goldilocks. She is a criminal (if a petty one), and she has no remorse about invading the bears' home. Anything she wants is hers; she's the queen. She's punk rock and runs. this. town. Welcome to the real world, foo'!

…Okay, I think I got a little carried away, there. Anyway, any fan of '80s alt-rock should appreciate the moody melody and Andrew's self-assured vocals. But when you also understand what he's parodying here, you'll never view Goldilocks the same way again.

*In researching this song, I learned two things that have made me question my entire education: 1) "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" is not from Grimms' Fairy Tales, and 2) the Goldilocks character, as originally written by an Englishman in the 1800s, was a crotchety, old woman who broke into a bachelor pad (rather than a family) of bears. What is this? Why can't this be the popular version? It sounds hilarious!

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