Pair #12: "I Am a Clam"

Original Post Date: September 9, 2004
Runtime: 1:09
Genre: Ballad
Compilation Album: Green Pants

Prompt Summary: a calming song to play as hold music to sedate angry callers, as sung by a clam ; lyrics included

Heck. Yes.

"I Am a Clam" is one of my all-time STWPT favorites because it's perfect in every way. Way 1: it's hold muzak. Way 2: it tells you how to feel. Way 3: clams.

The original prompt was pretty specific—and, ironically, loud; click on the song title above to view the post on the original site, including the prompt text, and you'll see what I mean. It provided Andrew with a particular use case, lyrics, and even a preferred "voice": a clam. It seems that the requester came up with a clam because it is an anagram of "calm," and they had already typed "calm" a few times in one form or another. This person sounds excellent; I like the way they think.

True to the prompt, this song is direct and to the point: "You are on hold; don't be angry." The song is actually a short loop played a bunch of times in a row, so you'll be reminded of your hold status quite a bit. As a calming loop, it is a slow, acoustic ballad. And then it cuts off at one point in the middle of a repetition, with no warning. That makes it better. Not because you are sick of hearing that you are on hold and should calm the frak down, but rather because you are no longer on hold. Because the song is over. Which is also kind of sad. If I were ever on hold while this song looped ad nauseum, I'd want to be on hold forever.

Of course, there's still the elephant in the room: what's with the clam? If you remember from my post on "I Am a Tree," Andrew's "I Am Things" songs are always written from the perspective of the thing or person in the title. And sure enough, the prompt called for the song to be sung as if by a clam. So…is it? Is it really? There is nothing (obvious) indicating that the singer is a clam. Is this tenor voice what Andrew believes a singing clam sounds like? The world may never know. (Feel free to post your clam-related thoughts in the comments below this post.)

We do know one thing: this song is a pearl. And that's an objective fact.* I will fight you.

*A less objective fact, but still a fact, is that it has been exactly one month since I started the blog! Sweet!

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