Pair #13: "Crunk Juice"

Original Post Date: June 30, 2006
Runtime: 1:10
Genre: Hip-hop
Compilation Album: Pink Pants

Prompt Summary: a song about crunk juice, which is a cocktail of Red Bull mixed with any alcoholic beverage (usually gin or vodka)

(Content Warning: copious alcohol references)

"Lucky number thirteen"? You must be crunk.

This essential Song to Wear Pants To, which is both a fan and creator favorite, is a cautionary tale about a drink that definitely never should have existed and that was definitely first mixed by someone who was already blasted out of their mind. Yes, folks, before Four Loko's "original" recipe, there was crunk juice: an unholy combination of Red Bull's unhealthy flood of caffeine and a shot of liquid courage, or in this case, technically "liquid idiocy." Seriously, only a thoroughly inebriated person would consider it a remotely good idea to consume caffeine (a stimulant) and alcohol (a depressant) simultaneously. We talk about hearts being full of love, but after you drink crunk juice, your heart hates you. And so does your brain. And your liver. And basically your whole body. …I would imagine.

Anyway, enough about the drink itself; let's talk about the song. This rap song consists of Andrew spittin' lyrics about how messed up his body is after drinking crunk juice. According to the song, the only reason he drank any in the first place is because of "peer pressure, maaan." And then apparently, he became an addict? I mean, he drinks it in so many different contexts, to the point where he has to drag Dr. Seuss into the song. And of course, there's mention of vomiting, painting a delightful picture with the phrase "crunk juice river."

Subject matter aside, "Crunk Juice" is a solid-gold demonstration of Andrew's rapping abilities, throwing himself into every beat, every syllable. He even expertly pulls off a few consecutive bars of straight sixteenths, wherein each sixteenth is a different syllable. I honestly don't know what he is rapping* during that phrase—even after having listened to the song well over 30 times over the past decade—on account of a hearing thing I have, but I can tell that he's saying actual words and not tripping over any of them, which in and of itself is an impressive feat of articulation.

As you will see in future blog posts, this is one of a small handful of Songs to Wear Pants To that Andrew samples or remixes in future songs. "Crunk Juice," for all of its morbidly hilarious complaining, is part of an elite selection of Songs to Wear Pants To that collectively form the backbone of the project. The "trunk," if you will. Or…"crunk."


(DISCLAIMER: Neither Pants-a-Day nor Andrew Huang condones the consumption of crunk juice. The song is actually a warning against doing so, and you should heed it. Nobody is responsible for the consequences of crunk juice consumption but yourself. Don't try to blame your "hip-hop crew" or "the punk dudes.")

*You can actually find the lyrics to most Songs to Wear Pants To on the archived official site, but note that anything Andrew adlibbed just got put down as "[Adlib.]" Luckily, that doesn't apply to "Crunk Juice."

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